I won’t lie, I locked myself out of the house yesterday. It was my fault.
See, since my dryer is dead and I’ve been utilizing my clotheslines, I had to necessarily go outside to hang up the wet laundry. The man-door in basement has two locks on it; I unlocked the first one but somehow forgot to turn the second one and…lock out.
No worries, I thought, I’ll just meander up to the garage (one can open the garage door using the outside touch pad) and get in the house that way. Well, no, because when I’d gotten home from my Mart run I threw the deadbolt, which I always do when I’m home alone.
So I was locked out of the house…without my phone.
“Jesus! Fuck!” I sputtered, as I took off down the driveway to the neighbors who, I hoped, were home. I wasn’t dressed for a walk in that I was wearing an old pair of sandals I keep in the basement, but I trudged up the (quiet and low traffic) dirt road to my neighbors’ farm. The only response I got was a lot of moos from the attendant cows.
Fine, I’ll walk up to the next house, which happens to be the home of the teacher who thinks Daughter is a lesbian. I knew, obviously, that the teacher would be at work but I was hoping that her husband (son of the neighbors who have that farm) would be home. The situation looked bleak as I neared the home. As I reached their driveway I heard a vehicle approaching and thought flag this guy down.
I did, he stopped, and said yes I could use his cellphone to call Husband. Turns out this kind gentleman was a security guard – he made that clear after he heard me tell Husband “this kind gentleman is letting me use his phone” – for the nearby oil/gas set up with was further up the road.
Husband assured me he was leaving right away and would be home in about an hour. Fine. The security guard asked why I didn’t have a hide-a-key and then said “Lots of people around here don’t even lock their doors.” I assured him that I do, all the time. He then said “Well, go feed the cows” (as, obviously, there were cows about), and I said “Oh, this isn’t my place; I live across the road and up the hill.”
“You walked all the way over here?” he asked, astonished.
“Well, yeah. These are the nearest neighbors I knew there’d be some chance of being around!” I said.
“I’ll give you a ride back, then,” he said as he cleared the passenger seat. “Ignore the floor there, that’s my garbage can,” he warned as I kicked an empty Dr. Pepper can (diet, btw) and an old bag of M&M’s out of the way.
I can’t stand a trash filled vehicle, by the way. If you’re going to give me a ride, clean your shit up.
Anyway, I told him where to go, which really isn’t far, and he went on about how it was too hot to exercise. I said “It really wasn’t that bad except I would have liked more appropriate shoes for walking.”
He complimented me on our property and such, then once he saw the house asked if I could get in the garage. Yes I can, I told him, but the door into the house is locked.
“If you can pick a lock,” I said, “I could get in the house.”
“Oh, ha ha, I’m retired highway patrol. I caught the criminals, I’m not one of them.”
I bade him goodbye and hopped out of the truck. I then waited on the porch, rocking in my rocking chair and listening to the TV, which I’d left on, and my cellphone, on the end table in the house, bee-booping with emails.
Panic set in about being locked out only because I knew I had to get to a phone to call Husband during the time I knew he’d be at lunch and would have his phone. No one memorizes phone numbers these days and I doubted I could remember Husband’s direct line to his desk, or that of his boss. I was also worried that I wouldn’t be able to get up to the school to pick Son up, so I was hustling to get a phone. Luckily I got to Husband on the first try and he came right home.
He was a little disgruntled when he got here and I said “Would you rather I’d taken the baseball bat and broken a pane of glass on that basement door to get in?”
“No. This is fine. We need to hide a spare key.”
So, no, he wasn’t upset with me, he was upset with the situation, and once we were in the house we had a talk about getting a copy of the house key made and where we could hide it.
Hey, I own my stupidity, what happened was my fault.
At least I got a walk in yesterday.